How to survive the zombie apocalypse

William Charuhas

Staff Writer

Dec. 21, 2012. That’s the date that the Mayan calendar ends and the date that some say is the end of the world. Now there are many theories as to what exactly will happen, most of it is speculation. Some say the poles will reverse, others say the planet will explode, but one of the most popular theories is that zombies will rise and bring about the end of civilization as we know it. There are many things that should be done in order to prepare if zombies appear. For the sake of being concise, this is going to be rather short. An in-depth discussion will keep us here for the better part of two weeks. What follows is a list of how best to survive a zombie apocalypse, and these are best done in the following order.

Step one: Protect yourself

What do you see most characters in zombie movies holding the majority of the time? A weapon. Why? They have to defend themselves somehow. Against a (mostly) mindless horde of undead, just about anything will do. Hammers, axes, bow and arrows, guns, it’s mostly a matter of preference but some of the best examples in movies and TV have been combinations of ranged and melee weapons. Mainly in the event that one fails, the other is there to fall back on. Having an emergency backup in case both of those fail can’t hurt your chances either. As Sam Raimi once showed the world in “Evil Dead 2” and “Army of Darkness,” nothing beats a hero who uses a shotgun and has a chainsaw for a hand.

Step two: Transportation

There really isn’t a standard to go by in this category, some people say that speed is the way to go, others say that fuel economy should be considered as you don’t know if or when society will come back and fuel will likely become scarce. But it all comes down to one thing really, getting away from zombies. If you’re trying to get from a lot of zombies, then something like a Volkswagen Beetle shouldn’t even be an option. Instead, bigger is typically going to be better, as you’ll be higher up and away from the flesh eaters and it’ll be easier for the driver to just run the zombies down.They’re dead already, so don’t bother feeling guilty, they (probably) won’t feel a thing.

Step three: Food and supplies

This one should be a no-brainer with all those disaster relief plans and studies saying you should have an emergency kit for situations where loss of power, food and infrastructure are expected. In any event, stockpiling the following items would increasing your odds of survival: canned and dried food, first aid medicine and disinfectant, bandages and clothing. So get used to eating out of a can, you may not be seeing another pizza for a while.

Step four: Find a “safe” spot

It should be mentioned that very few places would actually be “safe” should the dead rise up, but there are a few places that are safer than others. Provided there aren’t any zombies already on board, large seafaring vessels like cruise ships, freighter ships and aircraft carriers would work for a time. The downside is that those ships would have to put into port sooner or later for supplies. They also require a crew in order to operate effectively. Another option would be a military bunker complex like the Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center. Once the doors to a place like that close, nothing undead is going to get in. But again, the downside is that those doors can only stay closed for so long until the issue of supplies comes up again. The last place that you could hide out in would be an island. Like the ships, there would have to be no zombies there already for it to offer any kind of real safety, but it would offer some natural barriers and, provided it’s large enough, you could conceivably hunt, gather and cultivate food there for a long time. Zombies would have a hard time getting there as they would have to walk along the ocean bottom, and that’s no easy feat. So a place like Ireland, England, Australia, Madagascar or Hawaii would become prime real estate if they’re not already.

So there is a basic how-to survival guide for the zombie apocalypse. However, if 2012 brings about the robot apocalypse, then the only logical advice is to bow down and welcome our new robot overlords.

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